Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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