Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
