We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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