Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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