weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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