god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
