I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
