I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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