it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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