i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
