I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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