I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
