OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
