i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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