Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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