I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
