I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
