The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
