I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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