He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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