carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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