you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
