Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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