and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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