hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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