3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
