have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize