Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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