My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
