Your mouth is God's brothel.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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