How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
