remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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