i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
