Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize