i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
