My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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