I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
