so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
