I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
