you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
