Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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