What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
