Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
