Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
