she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
