i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize