Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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