dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize