Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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