i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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