do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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