I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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