I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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