so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
