So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
