Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
