things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
